If you have never experienced a miscarriage, it can feel difficult navigating that time with your friend. I wanted to share some things that helped me recover so that you can help your friend heal after her miscarriage.
With our first two miscarriages, because they were so early, we really did not tell many people and did not have the support that we did the third time around. I honestly am in the camp that it is better to share and then have to tell people that you have lost your sweet baby than to not share and have to grieve alone. I have done both and the second option was much more beautiful.
Tips on how to help your friend that has lost her baby
Depending on your friend’s wishes, she may be ok with you sharing with others and she may not. First and foremost, honor her requests. If she is ok with others knowing, then asking faithful people to pray for her would be your first kind gesture. The prayers of those around her will be what carries her through her time of mourning and grief.
I found out weeks later that people had sent messages and prayer chains around on my behalf and I was so grateful and always cried thankful, happy tears at their love and consideration.
Meals & Groceries
Whether or not she has a family (but, especially if she does), get some meals set up for her to get them through the first 2 weeks. If you have a large circle or church family, plan a meal train where people sign up and bring meals on strategic days. Plan to skip a day here and there so that they have time to eat the leftovers before the next meal comes.
To make it easier on her, as those bringing a meal to grab a metal pan or cheap dollar store plastic containers so that she does not feel obligated to keep up with who brought what and how to return dishes. Many seemingly easy tasks feel overwhelming when in the time of grief.
Also, think about paper plates, napkins and other things she may not have that would make it easier right now. When we had our Lily, we were out of paper plates and the dishes piled up quick. When a friend brought in a stack it helped tremendously. Milk, bread, lunch meat, bagels, etc are some nice things to bring as well because they run out so quickly.
It is so nice to have physical reminders of the life that was inside. Our hospital was wonderful and created a memory box for us. But, often, a woman has nothing but a positive pregnancy test to show for her time that she was pregnant. Cards can be kept and are a reminder that her baby’s life mattered.
There is an amazing ministry called Genesis and Joy that sends cards to mothers who have lost their baby to miscarriage or stillbirth. You can fill out the info for your friend and give dates that you think she would appreciate a card. It is ok for Mama’s to request their own too…I did after Lily was lost. I wanted something to come for her due date and set that up once I found out about it.
If your friend’s hospital did not offer a memory box, it might be nice to pick up something that she can use to keep all of her mementos from her pregnancy. Often, a mom will have kept her pregnancy test, ultrasound pics, and depending on the timing of the miscarriage, may have had others special items made. Help her find a way to keep those in a place of honor.
Ask about her Baby
For many mothers, they are so afraid their baby’s life will not have significance or meaning because it ended so quickly. Give her lots of opportunities to share about her sweet baby. Somedays she may want to talk a to and other days she may not want to talk at all. Just always be ok with whatever she needs at that moment.
Request a Gift in Her Baby’s Honor
There are multiple organizations that do kind things for mother’s who have lost their babies. I will give a few options here…
Held Your Whole Life – offers jewelry for bereaved families with the words “Held Your Whole Life”. They offer a monthly code for bereaved families to request one necklace and keychain free of charge with only the shipping costs. Find the info at the link for requesting a free gift.
While We’re Waiting – offers a free Hope package to families that just recently experienced loss. You can fill out the info for the family or give them the info to do it. (I think you should just do it for them!)
Joy Comes in the Morning – is a letter ministry that sends letters for 3 months after the miscarriage and then at the one year anniversary. This seems like such a precious gift for a hurting mother.
Burden Baskets has amazing options for helping a friend through loss. These do cost, but I was so impressed with the selection and thought that went into each gift.
The Seashore of Remembrance offers sunset photos with the loved one’s name written in the sand…this is a neat project but does seem to have incredibly long wait times so make sure you are ok with that. The artwork is just stunning though!
Blog Posts for You to Read
What to Say to Someone who has had a Miscarriage
6 Things Never to say to a Bereaved Parent
A Letter to the Friend of a “New Normal” Grieving Mother
Books for Her
Heart Made Whole by Christa Black Gifford is a beautiful story of the healing of a mothers heart when she has lost her sweet baby. I found great encouragement in this one.
Mending Tomorrow by Alyssa Quilala is a beautiful story of a mothers loss and the community that surrounded them when they were hoping the outcome would change.
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